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New Tornado Policy
for Ann Arbor and nearby areas
In case of possible tornadoes sweeping through the Ann Arbor and nearby areas,
we ask that all residents take shelter at the Michigan Stadium.
We are certain that a touchdown will not occur there.
Thank you for your cooperation,
National Weather Bureau
From Dan Kaiser (Columbus, OH)
15% OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN ARRESTED DURING THE PAST YEAR.
WITH THAT IN MIND ....
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A lady in Ann Arbor calls 911. Hysterically, she says, 'Someone's just broken into my house, and I think he's going to rob me!'
The police officer says, 'Ma'am, we're really busy at the moment. Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.'
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Q: What is Rich Rodriguez's biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
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Q: What do you call a drug ring in Ann Arbor ?
A: A huddle
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Q: Four Michigan players are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police
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Q: Why can't most of the U of M players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
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The University of Michigan team has adopted a new Honor System:
'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.
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The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year....
11 Arrests, 0 convictions.
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Q: How did the Wolverines spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda rights
From Carol Hanson (Gahanna, OH)
Michigan : Breaking News Updates
......... It was reported that Michigan head football coach Rich Rodriguez will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
........ The University of Michigan library burned to the ground. All five books in the library were destroyed. The football team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.
........ Hang on to any of the new State of Michigan quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury Announced today that it is recalling all of the Michigan quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Michigan quarter, which was created by a University of Michigan graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
....... A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan were waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the wolverine fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the wolverine fight song one last time. "OK," says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?" Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
........ Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Buckeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I not a Buckeyes' fan" the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were. What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.
"I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan," the child replied.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"LITTLE REDNECK KID KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"
From Travis Danford (OH)
....... Former Coach Gary Moeller was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking.” Moeller responded, "Okay, let's get started.”
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
....... Duck Hunters in Michigan - A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two men standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!! And you thought your day was not going well?
....... Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
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2008 Michigan Scouting Report
Well folks, it has finally arrived....the Wolverine football scouting report. Here is the scouting report on Michigan's top recruits:
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6', 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Flint in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most 'you knows' during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3', 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40-yard dash with a 19' TV under each arm.
Roosevelt 'Dude' Dansell: 6' 1', 1 95 lbs. Running Back. From Red Bank, Michigan. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the Wolverines to change maize and blue school colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as 'red brick.'
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8', 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: 'The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma. On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
Willie 'Night Train' Smith: 6'4', 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Recruited by Nebraska. Thought the 'N' on their helmets stood for 'Nowledge', but still meets the stringent Michigan entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.
Tyrone 'Python' Peoples: 6'10', 228 lbs.Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with Michigan. Likes wild
women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Telephone Company.
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10', 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Homes is a housing project in Detroit. Doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear.' (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Note: Michigan track coach intends to use several of the above signees in their track program. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to let Michigan use a burglar alarm.
From Carol Hanson (Gahanna, OH)
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Help Wanted
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Live, work and study in lovely Ann Arbor, Michigan. Earn free tuition, room and board and complete and utter seclusion from the media. Only job requirement: must be able to kick a ball through two uprights. No references necessary.
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Gone Fishing
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post season bowl game. It seemed so unusual, that the coaches of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry.
So, they decided on a week long ice-fishing competition. The team that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win. So, on a cold northern Michigan Lake they began their contest. The first day, after 8 hours of fishing, Ohio State had caught 100 fish and Michigan had 0. At the end of the 2nd day Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan 0.
That evening the Michigan coach got his team together and said, " I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place,"
so the next morning he dressed one of his players in Scarlet and Gray and sent him over to the camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are the cheating?" "They sure are", the player reported "They're cutting holes in the ice"
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On a tour of Ohio, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Erie on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Michigan football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Ohio State football jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Michigan man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach.
After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of Ohio and Michigan, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was His Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about Sturgeon fishing. Is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
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Travel News
Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are traveling by train to a game. At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan. "Watch and you'll see." When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
From Brent Toavs (Longview, TX)
Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him. Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.
When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes .... ?"
From Jim West (Washington Court House, OH)
An airplane was about to crash; there were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes for them to use. The first passenger said, "Well, I'm Joe Paterno. I have more wins than any other coach in the Big 10 Conference. My team needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Lloyd Carr, said "I too can not afford to die. Too many loyal Wolverine fans depend on me to bring glory to the university. I am the most ambitious and clever coach in the country." With that, he grabbed the second parachute and hurriedly jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Jim Tressel, says to the fourth passenger, a ten year-old school boy "Son, I have lived a full life and enjoyed many successes. You have your entire life in front of you. As a Christian man, I am willing to sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK Mr. Tressel, there's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest coach took my school backpack."
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Graduation
A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end. After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?", they asked. Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma." So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What is one plus one?"
He received his question and he thought...and thought...and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted "Two!!". "AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him another chance!"
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Indications you are dealing with a Michigan graduate:.
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK" - he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order - he sent me a fax with a stamp on it - he thought a quarterback was a refund - he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death - under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics" - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. he put "Sagittarius" - it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless - he studied for a blood test - and failed - he sold the car for gas money - when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved. - he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill - when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" he turned around and went home. From Andy Nichols (Fort Jennings, OH)
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Bob and Jimmy were really good friends. One day Bob calls Jimmy. The conversation goes something like this.
Bob: Hey Jimmy, I think I met the girl I'm gonna marry.Jimmy: That's great man.Bob: There is one thing I'm worried about though....Jimmy: What's that?Bob: Well I told her about my dad.Jimmy: You mean that he is in jail for murder?Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her so I told her about my mom.Jimmy: You mean that she's been caught stealing so many times?Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her either so I told her about my brother.Jimmy: You mean that he's wanted in four states for car theft?Bob: Yeah that didn't bother her either.Jimmy: So what's the problem man. She seems great.Bob: Well, I haven't told her about my sister.Jimmy: Dude, I didn't even know you had a sister.Bob: Yeah, we don't talk about her. She's a real embarrassment to the family. She went to Michigan.From Jeremy Cramer
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Two brothers, one a Michigan graduate and one an Ohio State graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The Ohio State graduate balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The Ohio State grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news. He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the Ohio State grad only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?"
The Ohio State grad explains, "My brother graduated from Michigan." "He'll read it very slow."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
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In a road-side restroom three men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.
The 1st man finished, zipped up and started washing. He literally scrubbed his hands clear up to his elbows and used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught to be clean."
The 2nd man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The 3rd man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ohio State University... and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
From Shawn Beaverson (OH)
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"Wolverine Thinking"
An Ohio State student, an Iowa student, and a Michigan student were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the Ohio State student top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the he was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"
The Ohio State student explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the Iowa student walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.
As before, the Iowa student explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally the Michigan student appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
....... Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
A Michigan football player reported for his university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
....... Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former players have been granted parole before the end of their sentences.
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
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During the 2007 season, Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Todd Boeckman over and asks him, "Todd, who's your fathers brother's nephew? Boeckman answers, "Why coach, that's easy? it's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback? You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over Chad Henne. "Hey, Henne! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Chad looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, "Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Henne calls over Mike Hart. "Hey, Mike, Coach just asked me the weirdest question? "Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Hart answers, "Duh? That's pretty simple? It's me!"
After practice, Henne catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Mike Hart!"
Carr (very angry with Henne) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Todd Boeckman!"
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
From Joe Mascio (Ohio State Football 1944)
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It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for Michigan and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
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"I'll Drink to That"
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies,
"Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan grad. The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
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A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
From Mark Gelios (Columbus,OH)
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A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan were driving down the same road towards each other. Right when they were about to pass each other they got into a horrific car accident. Luckily both men came out unscratched. The Ohio State fan looked at the other man and saw that he was wearing all Michigan clothes, and the Michigan fan also noticed that the other guy was wearing all Ohio State clothes.
The Ohio State fan went up to the Michigan fan and said, "Look, let's put our differences aside for one night and just thank God that we are still alive!"
The Michigan fan says, "Sure, I can do that... but for ONLY one night." So putting their differences aside they gave each other a huge hug.
The Ohio State fan said, "Wait a second, I have a bottle of liquor in my trunk. Hopefully it didn't bust." He looked in his trunk and to his surprise the bottle hadn't broken. He grabbed the bottle and passed it to the Michigan fan and said, "Here, have a drink with me and celebrate still being alive!"
So the Michigan fan chugged half the bottle. He then tried passing it back to the Ohio State fan but he replied, "No thanks, I'll wait for the cops to show up!"
From PFC Chase Varish
Camp Garry Owen 4th Squadron 7th Cavalry - Toung de' choun, South Korea
...by way of Wellsville, OH
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Fan Devotion
A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"
The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
From Rob McWade (OH)
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan Wolverine fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Wolverine fans also. Not really knowing what a Wolverine fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. Joe has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Wolverine fan"
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?
"Why I'm a proud Buckeye fan," boasts Joe.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Joe why he is a Buckeye fan
"Well, my mom and dad are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan also."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Joe, "I'd be a Wolverine fan."
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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
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GOD Is a Buckeye Fan Too
We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious maze & blue "M" on his shirt. We would swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them. One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to him and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
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After Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passed away and entered the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two bedroom house with a faded UM banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your home now coach. Most people don't get their own house up here". God exclaims.
Bo looked at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Ohio state flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and gray OSU banner hanging between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the home God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded UM Michigan banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new OSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that God?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment then replies, "That's not Woody's house, That's Mine"!!!!
From Annie Asik (Cleveland, OH)
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A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Peter. St. Peter welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The guy is amazed at what is in heaven. The last place he takes the guy is to this football game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the sideline ranting and raving.
The man looks at St. Peter and asks, "Who is that madman?"
St. Peter answers, "Oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Woody Hayes."
From Josh Harvey (Columbus, OH)
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Jim Tressel stopped by Lloyd Carr's office in Ann Arbor one day for some friendly football conversation. As the two were talking, he noticed a blue telephone locked in a glass case behind Carr's desk. Tressel asked "Lloyd, what's that blue phone you got there?" "That's my hotline to God." Carr responded with big Michigan grin. "Mind if I give Him a call?" Tressel asked as if impressed. Carr said "Go ahead, but don't use it long. The long distance charges are outrageous from here to Heaven." Tressel proceeded to call God, afterward thanked Carr for the use of the phone, and then returned to Columbus.
Tressel is in his office one day and Carr drops in to talk some pigskin. As Carr walks in the door, he notices a red phone sitting on a silver platter right out in the open. Carr asks "Jim, what's that red phone on the platter?" "That's my line to God." Jim responds with a smile. Carr, looking a little disappointed asks "You mind?" Tressel says "No. Talk all you want. Everybody talks to God around here." "How can you afford that?" asks Carr looking perplexed. Tressel says with a chuckle "Ohio is God's country! It's not long distance from here!"
From Gary Meyer (Aberdeen, OH)
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In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship. The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left. Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off Tackle". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle", and all eleven Buckeyes meet him in the backfield, and bury him and the Buckeyes win. Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you tell me to run "Off Tackle.
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we Woody?"
From Larry Koepfer (Scottsdale, Arizona via Swanton, Ohio)
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Back From the Mission Field
A letter from missionaries to loved ones back home in Ohio
Well, our 4 year stay in the mission field we've come to affectionately call "Indiana" is finally over. It was a very tough and trying four years. The very people that are fanatical Notre Dame fans during football season, somehow become die hard, in-your-face Indiana fans for basketball... it is very strange.
My Ohio State flag was even stolen from my front porch the week of "The Game!"... which in Indiana is played for some rusty bucket. Talk about persecution! Through it all, we had each other and God.
It was a very frustrating and lonely mission trip. We aren't really sure if we converted anyone. Prayer and frequent trips to the motherland got us through this very trying time. Thankfully, we are now back in God's country. It was amazing... almost instantaneously, we could sense that the air was fresher and the sun seemed to shine even brighter.
For those of you who have never lived outside of Ohio, you don't know what you have until it's gone! Appreciate this wonderful land we live in and continue to pray for our neighbors to the west.
As far as our neighbors to the north, well, that may be a lost cause! It's great to be home in Ohio Again!
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When you Wish Upon a Star
A man from Nebraska, a man from Michigan and a man from Ohio State are all walking along a beach together when the man from Nebraska spots an old lantern barely visible in the sand. He pulls it out and begins to polish it with his hand when a genie pops out and hovers above them.
"You have called me and now I must grant each of you one wish," the genie said. "Tell me what you desire and I will make it come true."
The guy from Nebraska wasted no time. "I'm a farmer," he began, "like my father, my grandfather, and his father before him. My wish is for the land to always be fertile in Nebraska."
The genie crossed his arms, nodded his head and a puff of smoke came from the lantern. "It is done," the genie said."I have made the land forever fertile for farming in Nebraska."
The Michigan man was impressed by what he saw. "Wow!" he said. "That's great! You know what I have always wanted? I would like a huge wall to be built all the way around the state of Michigan so nobody can any longer get in or out of our beautiful state."
The genie folded his arms, nodded, and once again a puff of smoke came from the lantern. "It is done," he announced. "A giant concrete wall, 150 feet high and 50 feet thick has been placed around the state of Michigan."
Hearing this, the man from Ohio State just smiled and said quietly, "Perfect....now fill it with water."
From Heather Craig
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An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
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Animal Kingdom
A guy walks into a bar in Ann Arbor wearing a Michigan jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Michigan jersey on with a little Wolverine helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Michigan game here? My TV at home broke down and my cat and I always watch the game together".
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed In the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon Michigan manages to kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar, walks all the way down and gives everyone a high five.