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The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Ohio. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father, and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so. It’s a 10-hour drive." he responded.
“Don’t worry about it Dad. I’ll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know, her dad replied. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh Dad," replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”
“Honey,” Dad complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat.”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.” So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”
The senator whispers back, “You bet I do.”
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Ohio State!"
From Brenda Hill (Reynoldsburg, OH)
The Creation of Ohio
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Michael, look what I've made."
Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance???" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , while impressed by God's work, pointed to some people standing around with their hands above their head, "What's up with that?"
"Ah," said God, "They are from Ohio , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Ohio are modest, intelligent and humorous. They can be found traveling all around the world. They are sociable, hard working and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace and good will."
Michael gasped in wonder, then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance ?!?!?!?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in Michigan !!!!!!!
From Janie Metzger (Columbus, OH)
Arrested Development - The University of Michigan Football Team
A lady in Ann Arbor calls 911. Hysterically, she says, 'Someone's just broken into my house,
and I think he's going to rob me!' The police officer says, 'Ma'am, we're really busy at the
moment. Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.'
Q: What is Coach Harbaugh's biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Ann Arbor ?
A: A huddle
Q: Four Michigan players are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police
Q: Why can't most of the U of M players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
The University of Michigan team has adopted a new Honor System:
'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.
The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year....
11 Arrests, 0 convictions.
Q: How did the Wolverines spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda rights
From Carol Hanson (Gahanna, OH)
Michigan : Breaking News Updates
........ It was reported that Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
........ The University of Michigan library burned to the ground. All five books in the library were destroyed. The football team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.
........ Hang on to any of the State of Michigan quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury Announced today that it is recalling all of the Michigan quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Michigan quarter, which was created by a University of Michigan graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
........ A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan were waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the wolverine fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the wolverine fight song one last time. "OK," says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?" Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
........ Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Buckeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I not a Buckeyes' fan" the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were. What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.
"I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan," the child replied.
The reporter starts a new sheet and writes, "LITTLE REDNECK KID KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"
From Travis Danford (OH)
........ Former Coach Gary Moeller was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking.” Moeller responded, "Okay, let's get started.”
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
........ Duck Hunters in Michigan - A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two men standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!! And you thought your day was not going well?
........ Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Live, work and study in lovely Ann Arbor, Michigan. Earn free tuition, room and board and complete and utter seclusion from the media. Only job requirement: must be able to kick a ball through two uprights. No references necessary.
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post season bowl game. It seemed so unusual, that the coaches of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry.
So, they decided on a week long ice-fishing competition. The team that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win. So, on a cold northern Michigan Lake they began their contest. The first day, after 8 hours of fishing, Ohio State had caught 100 fish and Michigan had 0. At the end of the 2nd day Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan 0.
That evening the Michigan coach got his team together and said, " I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place," so the next morning he dressed one of his players in Scarlet and Gray and sent him over to the camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are the cheating?" "They sure are", the player reported "They're cutting holes in the ice"
On a tour of Ohio, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Erie on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Michigan football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Ohio State football jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Michigan man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach.
After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of Ohio and Michigan, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was His Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about Sturgeon fishing. Is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are traveling by train to a game. At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan. "Watch and you'll see." When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
From Brent Toavs (Longview, TX)
Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him. Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.
When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes .... ?"
From Jim West (Washington Court House, OH)
An airplane was about to crash; there were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes for them to use. The first passenger said, "Well, I'm Joe Paterno. I have more wins than any other coach in the Big 10 Conference. My team needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Jim Harbaugh, said "I too can not afford to die. Too many loyal Wolverine fans depend on me to bring glory to the university. I am the most ambitious and clever coach in the country." With that, he grabbed the second parachute and hurriedly jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Urban Meyer, says to the fourth passenger, a ten year-old school boy "Son, I have lived a full life and enjoyed many successes. You have your entire life in front of you. As a Christian man, I am willing to sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK Mr. Meyer, there's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest coach took my school backpack."
A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end. After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?", they asked. Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma." So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What is one plus one?"
He received his question and he thought...and thought...and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted "Two!!". "AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him another chance!"
Indications you are dealing with a Michigan graduate:.
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK" - he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order - he sent me a fax with a stamp on it - he thought a quarterback was a refund - he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death - under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics" - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. he put "Sagittarius" - it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless - he studied for a blood test - and failed - he sold the car for gas money - when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved. - he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill - when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" he turned around and went home.
From Andy Nichols (Fort Jennings, OH)
Bob and Jimmy were really good friends. One day Bob calls Jimmy. The conversation goes something like this.
Bob: Hey Jimmy, I think I met the girl I'm gonna marry. Jimmy: That's great man. Bob: There is one thing I'm worried about though.... Jimmy: What's that? Bob: Well I told her about my dad. Jimmy: You mean that he is in jail for murder? Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her so I told her about my mom. Jimmy: You mean that she's been caught stealing so many times? Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her either so I told her about my brother. Jimmy: You mean that he's wanted in four states for car theft? Bob: Yeah that didn't bother her either. Jimmy: So what's the problem man. She seems great. Bob: Well, I haven't told her about my sister. Jimmy: Dude, I didn't even know you had a sister. Bob: Yeah, we don't talk about her. She's a real embarrassment to the family. She went to Michigan.
From Jeremy Cramer
Two brothers, one a Michigan graduate and one an Ohio State graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The Ohio State graduate balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The Ohio State grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news. He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the Ohio State grad only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?"
The Ohio State grad explains, "My brother graduated from Michigan." "He'll read it very slow."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
In a road-side restroom three men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.
The 1st man finished, zipped up and started washing. He literally scrubbed his hands clear up to his elbows and used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught to be clean."
The 2nd man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The 3rd man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ohio State University... and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
From Shawn Beaverson (OH)
An Ohio State student, an Iowa student, and a Michigan student were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the Ohio State student top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the he was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"
The Ohio State student explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the Iowa student walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.
As before, the Iowa student explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally the Michigan student appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
....... Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
A Michigan football player reported for his university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
....... Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former players have been granted parole before the end of their sentences.
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
During the 2007 season, Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Todd Boeckman over and asks him, "Todd, who's your fathers brother's nephew? Boeckman answers, "Why coach, that's easy? it's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback? You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over Chad Henne. "Hey, Henne! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Chad looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, "Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Henne calls over Mike Hart. "Hey, Mike, Coach just asked me the weirdest question? "Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Hart answers, "Duh? That's pretty simple? It's me!"
After practice, Henne catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Mike Hart!"
Carr (very angry with Henne) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Todd Boeckman!"
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
From Joe Mascio (Ohio State Football 1944)
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for Michigan and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
"I'll Drink to That"
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies,
"Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan grad. The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
From Mark Gelios (Columbus,OH)
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan were driving down the same road towards each other. Right when they were about to pass each other they got into a horrific car accident. Luckily both men came out unscratched. The Ohio State fan looked at the other man and saw that he was wearing all Michigan clothes, and the Michigan fan also noticed that the other guy was wearing all Ohio State clothes.
The Ohio State fan went up to the Michigan fan and said, "Look, let's put our differences aside for one night and just thank God that we are still alive!"
The Michigan fan says, "Sure, I can do that... but for ONLY one night." So putting their differences aside they gave each other a huge hug.
The Ohio State fan said, "Wait a second, I have a bottle of liquor in my trunk. Hopefully it didn't bust." He looked in his trunk and to his surprise the bottle hadn't broken. He grabbed the bottle and passed it to the Michigan fan and said, "Here, have a drink with me and celebrate still being alive!"
So the Michigan fan chugged half the bottle. He then tried passing it back to the Ohio State fan but he replied, "No thanks, I'll wait for the cops to show up!"
From PFC Chase Varish
Camp Garry Owen 4th Squadron 7th Cavalry - Toung de' choun, South Korea
...by way of Wellsville, OH
A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"
The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
From Rob McWade (OH)
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan Wolverine fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Wolverine fans also. Not really knowing what a Wolverine fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. Joe has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Wolverine fan"
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?
"Why I'm a proud Buckeye fan," boasts Joe.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Joe why he is a Buckeye fan
"Well, my mom and dad are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan also."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Joe, "I'd be a Wolverine fan."
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
GOD Is a Buckeye Fan Too
We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious maze & blue "M" on his shirt. We would swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them. One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to him and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
After Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passed away and entered the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two bedroom house with a faded UM banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your home now coach. Most people don't get their own house up here". God exclaims.
Bo looked at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Ohio state flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and gray OSU banner hanging between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the home God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded UM Michigan banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new OSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that God?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment then replies, "That's not Woody's house, That's Mine"!!!!
From Annie Asik (Cleveland, OH)
A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Peter. St. Peter welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The guy is amazed at what is in heaven. The last place he takes the guy is to this football game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the sideline ranting and raving.
The man looks at St. Peter and asks, "Who is that madman?"
St. Peter answers, "Oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Woody Hayes."
From Josh Harvey (Columbus, OH)
Jim Tressel stopped by Lloyd Carr's office in Ann Arbor one day for some friendly football conversation. As the two were talking, he noticed a blue telephone locked in a glass case behind Carr's desk. Tressel asked "Lloyd, what's that blue phone you got there?" "That's my hotline to God." Carr responded with big Michigan grin. "Mind if I give Him a call?" Tressel asked as if impressed. Carr said "Go ahead, but don't use it long. The long distance charges are outrageous from here to Heaven." Tressel proceeded to call God, afterward thanked Carr for the use of the phone, and then returned to Columbus.
Tressel is in his office one day and Carr drops in to talk some pigskin. As Carr walks in the door, he notices a red phone sitting on a silver platter right out in the open. Carr asks "Jim, what's that red phone on the platter?" "That's my line to God." Jim responds with a smile. Carr, looking a little disappointed asks "You mind?" Tressel says "No. Talk all you want. Everybody talks to God around here." "How can you afford that?" asks Carr looking perplexed. Tressel says with a chuckle "Ohio is God's country! It's not long distance from here!"
From Gary Meyer (Aberdeen, OH)
In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship. The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left. Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off Tackle". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle", and all eleven Buckeyes meet him in the backfield, and bury him and the Buckeyes win. Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you tell me to run "Off Tackle.
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we Woody?"
From Larry Koepfer (Scottsdale, Arizona via Swanton, Ohio)
Back From the Mission Field
A letter from missionaries to loved ones back home in Ohio
Well, our 4 year stay in the mission field we've come to affectionately call "Indiana" is finally over. It was a very tough and trying four years. The very people that are fanatical Notre Dame fans during football season, somehow become die hard, in-your-face Indiana fans for basketball... it is very strange.
My Ohio State flag was even stolen from my front porch the week of "The Game!"... which in Indiana is played for some rusty bucket. Talk about persecution! Through it all, we had each other and God.
It was a very frustrating and lonely mission trip. We aren't really sure if we converted anyone. Prayer and frequent trips to the motherland got us through this very trying time. Thankfully, we are now back in God's country. It was amazing... almost instantaneously, we could sense that the air was fresher and the sun seemed to shine even brighter.
For those of you who have never lived outside of Ohio, you don't know what you have until it's gone! Appreciate this wonderful land we live in and continue to pray for our neighbors to the west.
As far as our neighbors to the north, well, that may be a lost cause! It's great to be home in Ohio Again!
When you Wish Upon a Star
A man from Nebraska, a man from Michigan and a man from Ohio State are all walking along a beach together when the man from Nebraska spots an old lantern barely visible in the sand. He pulls it out and begins to polish it with his hand when a genie pops out and hovers above them.
"You have called me and now I must grant each of you one wish," the genie said. "Tell me what you desire and I will make it come true."
The guy from Nebraska wasted no time. "I'm a farmer," he began, "like my father, my grandfather, and his father before him. My wish is for the land to always be fertile in Nebraska."
The genie crossed his arms, nodded his head and a puff of smoke came from the lantern. "It is done," the genie said."I have made the land forever fertile for farming in Nebraska."
The Michigan man was impressed by what he saw. "Wow!" he said. "That's great! You know what I have always wanted? I would like a huge wall to be built all the way around the state of Michigan so nobody can any longer get in or out of our beautiful state."
The genie folded his arms, nodded, and once again a puff of smoke came from the lantern. "It is done," he announced. "A giant concrete wall, 150 feet high and 50 feet thick has been placed around the state of Michigan."
Hearing this, the man from Ohio State just smiled and said quietly, "Perfect....now fill it with water."
From Heather Craig
An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
A guy walks into a bar in Ann Arbor wearing a Michigan jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Michigan jersey on with a little Wolverine helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Michigan game here? My TV at home broke down and my cat and I always watch the game together".
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed In the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon Michigan manages to kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar, walks all the way down and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he Do for a touchdown?" The guy answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
From Bill Van Fossen (Columbus, OH)
An Ohio tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop, where the owner says to him "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story!"
"No," replies the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Wolverine."
From Lou O'Quin (Gilbert, AZ)
An Ohio State fan walks into a pawn shop. He states that he is looking for an item for his game room, when he spots a stuffed squirrel on the wall. "How much for that stuffed squirrel Mr.?"
"It's not for sale. It is bad luck, and its too long a story to tell you about" states the man behind the counter.
I'll give you $100 for the squirrel.
"Ok, but I warned you.
So the Buckeye fan throws the squirrel in his pick up and drives down the road. As he drives he notices there are 100 squirrels following him. A mile up the road he notices there are 1000 squirrels following him. Again, another mile up the road he sees 1,000,000 squirrels following him. This is just way to bizarre for the man, so he stops at the next bridge, gets out and throws the stuffed squirrel into the river. All 1,000,000 squirrels jump into the river after it and all drown.
The Ohio State fan goes back to the pawn shop .The man behind the counter says "I told you that squirrel is bad luck, you come to get your money back?"
"No, replies the Buckeye. How much you want for that Coach Rodriguez Doll"
A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and almost got trampled. Thank God the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
From Ron Newman (Cincinnati, OH)
An Ohio State student and a Michigan student are walking down the road when the Ohio State student says, "How sad...A dead bird."
The Michigan student looks up and says, "Where, where?"
From Ron Newman (Cincinnati, OH)
Michigan - Medically Speaking
Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now more than half the state is out looking for work!
From Dan Kaiser (Columbus, OH)
A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."
The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door
"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."
From Jay Burkholder (Archbold, OH)
Two University of Michigan students are walking by a storefront and see a sign that reads:
Suits $5.00 each
Shirts $2.00 each
Trousers $2.50 per pair
One says to the other, "Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to the University, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay. Just let me do the talking."
They go into the store and the UM fan says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck up and ....."
The owner of the shop interrupts him, "You're from the University of Michigan, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says the surprised UM fan. "How did you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)
Two Michigan cheerleaders were reading their daily newspaper when one of them noticed a headline that read:
"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"
She thought for a minute, and then whispered to her friend, "Psssst... how many is a brazilian?"
From Craig Rash (Archbold, OH)
One morning a Michigan cheerleader calls her friend (who didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The cheerleader says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
From Mark Gelios (Archbold, OH)
A family of Michigan fans head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in their local sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk to mother."
Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son on the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have. I've only been a Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate Michigan fans."
From Mark Gelios (Columbus, OH)
New Tornado Policy
for Ann Arbor and nearby areas
In case of possible tornadoes sweeping through the Ann Arbor and nearby areas,
we ask that all residents take shelter at the Michigan Stadium.
We are certain that a touchdown will not occur there.
Thank you for your cooperation,
National Weather Bureau
From Dan Kaiser (Columbus, OH)
The Last Word ......
An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of Morgantown ,WV, the home of West Virginia University. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
'I would really like to see former coaches Rich Rodriguez and John Beilein before I die.'
'I'll see what I can do, Father' replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the coaches, in care of the University of Michigan, and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived: Both would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, followed by a large contingency of the press, Rich leaned over and whispered to John, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.' John couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the press crowded around and the priest took Rich's hand in his right hand and John's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Rich, smiling and looking at all the press, spoke.
'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.'
'Amen' said Rich.
'Amen' said John.
The old priest continued, 'He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.'
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"
From Shawn Meckfessel (Oak Harbor, OH)